Last week, a new client told me that one question in my coaching bio was the reason he selected me as his coach. "Do you want to do this while maintaining internal calm even in the midst of chaos?" Now, "this" refers to any areas or capabilities that you would like to learn, grow, or develop. And I want to be clear: the goal is NOT to always be calm.
My new client zeroed in on his desire for internal calm, and fortunately, two years ago, I began a Gestalt equine therapy training program to learn how to help myself and my clients self-regulate to feel calm and grounded instead of overwhelmed and stressed. I wanted to understand human behavior and relational dynamics more deeply and how to better support people to truly change, grow, and thrive!
In February, I attended my seventh training module, Working with Families and Horses, led by master therapist Duey Freeman of GEIR in Colorado. We learned about family systems, and as an executive and team coach, I also reflected on the teachings through my lens of leaders and team systems. Here are two takeaways for you to practice with your whole being, not just through cognitive contemplation.
Takeaway 1: Structure & Softness
As parents, leaders, coaches, or therapists, we need both Structure and Softness. Parents set the structure for a family, leaders set the structure for a team, and both parenting and leadership also require softness. For example, I recently explored with an executive team a polarity, which is also relevant in families: holding people accountable (structure) & showing compassion (softness).
Structure & Softness also apply to one’s leadership presence and how a leader or parent shows up physically, energetically, and emotionally. As a leader, you might stand up straight and energetically ground yourself while simultaneously softening and relaxing on the inside. Full core breathing is necessary to access this balance of external structure with inner softness.
I invite you to recall past handshakes or hugs, although I will use hugs to exemplify inner softness with external structure. Hugging some people is like hugging a telephone pole...rigid and tense. While others completely melt into your arms with all softness inside and out, like a child in their parent’s arms. And, there are hugs where you feel the external structure without the hugger collapsing but with a felt softness and true energetic embrace. Handshakes or hugs, we have all likely felt these differences.
How well are you, your teams, and your family navigating the polarity of Structure & Softness? As a parent and coach, I am continually working on this balance for myself, my children, and my clients. I have also worked with many teams where the balance of Structure & Softness was not optimal for high-performance teaming, and often, the leader did not provide adequate structure and oscillated between softness and rigidity, creating inconsistency and confusion. The most effective leaders of high-performing teams and organizations lead simultaneously and predictably with Structure & Softness to gain the benefits of both.
Takeaway 2: Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, understood, & protected.
Many of you are likely aware of the phrase that everyone wants to feel seen, heard, and understood. Well, Duey adds a fourth one, “Everyone wants to feel seen, heard, gotten and protected.” His addition of protection really hit home for me as I reflected on my relationships. Protection is often a missing component in many relationships, both personally and professionally.
Who really has your back or not? What impact does that have on you?
How do you show up in relationships and have others' backs or not? Do you use your voice to stand up for yourself and others? Do they know you have their backs? It might be time to start paying attention and noticing what shifts for you.
Relational Leadership is a major focus with many of my coaching clients because people have not been taught and have not developed effective emotional and relational awareness and capabilities on the level required for truly authentic, inspiring, effective, and powerful leadership. There is also currently a high demand for Emotional Intelligence (EQ) training. However, true emotional and relational awareness grows from getting out of one's head and connecting with one's physical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual being, and ideally while in relationship with another being or nature. Noticing, paying attention, and creating conscious awareness drive new choices and transformation from the inside out!
Relationally effective leaders lead with both Structure & Softness.
Everyone wants to feel Seen, Heard, Understood, and Protected.
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